Borrowed too much from others
Every artist has influences on his work, but I think you've crossed into copyright issues. Particularly at the end when you see what is clearly a character from Bleach. Before that, he looked a lot like a character from DBZ with different hair.
The dialogue was a bit heavy handed, you don't need to put such a heavy emphasis on certain words and phrases. Try talking like you're talking to a friend in the same room, rather than making a speech.